Christine
by tiedwithblackribbon
Summary: One shot. Christine's POV of the night she makes her choice. Suicide references, sexual references.


I sat in the hard chair, dazed. My hands were tied to the back of it. The silk scarves he had given me, once as a decoration for my delicate neck now served as bonds. They rubbed against the smoothness of my pale wrists and I begged him to release me. It wasn't a difficult task to soften his heart. As soon as my tears started to flow and I writhed against the chair in pain he was behind me, untying the complex knots. What did I do to deserve such imprisonment? So many things…I dared to list them all in my mind.

I had selfishly tried to take my own life, by banging my pretty forehead against a brick wall. How foolish! How puerile of me to think I could die from such an act knowing full well Erik would find me before I could do any real damage to myself. A headache is all I was left with, aside from a bruised and bleeding cut. He had found me slumped on the floor in pain, my crimson blood staining his fine carpets.

He lifted me from the floor as if I weighed nothing, planting me in the soft mattress of my bed. He quickly tended to my small wound, bandaging it as if he were a tenured doctor, taking great care that the gauze was placed just right. He stayed silent, as if offering a punishment from not hearing his angels' voice. He took my trembling form in his arms, whispering things in my ear I couldn't comprehend.

Gently, he placed me in the chair. Unable to move anyway, I stayed deathly still until he was behind me, tying the silken fabric around my wrists. I flinched at first when I felt his icy hands on me.

"You will not do anything so foolish again…" I heard him say as he tightened the knots. "You have until eleven 'o clock to decide to die…I suggest you wait like everyone else." He said so dark in tone that it made me shiver, even after my endeavor to end my life. He frightened me so! Another reason to join my father, in heaven…in paradise. In a world that I knew Erik could never venture, due to his crimes.

Yes. I had until eleven 'o clock to make my decision. I either choose Erik, living with him for eternity in the dank bowels of the opera or death…and death upon all that were in that little house. And anyone within a block of the opera.

Erik had collected explosives, you see…and he meant to take the whole opera house with him in death. A funeral march or a wedding mass…is how he put it to me, so delicately.

I could hear my beloved Raoul's cries from beyond the wall. I ignored him. Why didn't I just choose death then, you might ask? I only wanted it for myself. I didn't want to sacrifice any innocent souls, save Erik's black and tortured one.

I closed my eyes, thinking of happier times. My papa, Raoul…and me…being a simple chorus girl and happy with that. And even my angel of music…before, of course…I found that he was only man.

How could I have been so daft, so stupid? Perhaps my faith and wantonness to believe in angels overcame my mind…molding and shaping my thoughts to think that everything were real. Oh…I was so foolish…

I was just a child when he came to me from behind my mirror. And now I was much more grown up…even if had been only a year. With my lessons beginning to be more strict and more demanding, I had no time to socialize…I was forbidden to do anything of pleasure…unless it was with him. So easy I was to be manipulated and used by him just for his music. My fear was what got the best of me, making me too afraid to refuse him. Oh, Erik…

Soon after he had released me, for it was near eleven o'clock anyway, he had left me in my room. "Your time is growing short, my dear…you must make your choice soon." And with that hushed whisper he slammed the door. I knew he must be in close proximity, just in case I chose to harm myself again.

I simply sank into my bed, tears not spilling from my eyes. My tears had been drained. I stared blankly and numb up into the canopy. With Erik I would have everything I ever dreamed of, except sunlight…fresh air…any hopes of a normal life. But without Raoul…God could I live without him?

It was better this way, I thought to myself, to die alone. Not taking anyone down with me...

Oh, I contemplated for days on how to kill Erik. Wouldn't that have fixed everything? It wouldn't of been murder in anyone's eyes…perhaps just a feat of self-defense. But in my mind it was murder. The good little girl I was, I could not bring myself to end his miserable life. I had even gotten as close as having a narrow envelope opener in my hands behind my back, yet he quickly noticed my peculiar behavior and seized it before I could do anything drastic. Perhaps he thought it was to end my own life and not his, for he did not grow angry. He simply took the tool from me as if I were a toddler not allowed to have it in my possession…less I hurt myself.

Yes, he always treated me as a child. Maybe it was the only way he knew how to care for anyone…I was the only woman he had ever loved. The only woman he had cared for. And he did take care of me…but he also took me away from everything I held dear. I knew that life with him would be so tense, not being able to do go above, forbidden to do anything without the guide of his hand.

The clock chimed eleven. My heart leapt in my chest, and my throat was suddenly dry. As if counting the seconds Erik opened my door and walked into my room, finding me standing at the bedpost. My eyes were red from earlier crying, my forehead still bandaged perfect. I still wore the wedding dress. Had I forgotten? I looked down out of curiosity, finding it white, silky and lace filled. Any woman's dream wedding gown. I swallowed, looking up at him.

"Have you decided?" He said, a hint of hope in his voice yet he still seemed stern.

"Yes…" I whispered, his eyes not leaving mine. "I…I will be your wife…" I said carefully. Yes, my plan had begun.

Immediately, Erik was at my feet on his knees, kissing the hem of the expensive fabric of my gown. I could hear his quiet sobbing, for he had replaced his mask, though it was muffled.

I touched his shoulders gently, letting him rise only to tower over me.

"Release him…now?" I asked as sweet as I could without giving away my fear. Erik nodded, almost sad.

I was forbidden to say goodbye to my beloved. I only met him with a hopeful stare, and he returned an expression of pure terror, as if he knew what I was about to do.

"Now…you are my wife." He whispered, taking my hands, not hesitant to kiss my palms. His lips were as cold as his fingers and I began to shiver.

I stayed silent, knowing if I put on an act to be happy for him he would know I was lying. I continued my silence as he took me into his bedroom, my legs unsteady.

His grasp never left my shaking hands and he guided me to sit on his bed. Why were we in his room? My plan could not work without the aid of my special vial that was hidden in a drawer, in my room.

He sat next to me, and I stiffened, not looking up at him. Did he truly wish to consummate our marriage now? I should of half expected it.

He let go of my hands, one hand brushing the hair back from my shoulder, revealing my slender white neck. He drew closer, so much that I could feel the heat of his breath. His lips touched my shoulder, and I closed my eyes. But not out of pleasure. I wanted to die. I wanted him to die.

As he continued his assault of my flesh at my shoulder and neck I grew numb with fear. What if he really made me go through with this? I would die impure, blemished by his hands…his lips. The very thought made me feel sick.

"Are you... alright?" He finally asked, lifting my chin so I was forced to face him. I stayed silent, avoiding his gaze. "It's normal for a bride to be nervous…." He whispered, and I trembled more. I closed my eyes to focus on my breath, which was growing uneven and labored.

"Please, Erik…I…I can't…" I said truthful, my blue eyes shining as they looked up into his golden ones.

"Why can't you?" He continued to whisper, kissing my jaw so gentle. I knew it was an attempt to arouse me, yet it only disgusted me. "You are my wife…there is no wrong in it…"

"I…I don't feel well…" I said shaking, turning my whole body from him. He got closer to me, my back to him. He removed the chain that held my father's cross. And then I felt him deftly unlacing the back of my gown. I let him. Perhaps he would let me go to my room to change into a suitable nightdress?

When all that was separating my naked flesh from him was my chemise, he lifted me and laid me on his bed. "Erik…no…" I said in protest, sitting up quickly.

He was already hovering over me and instinctly my hands went to his chest to keep him away. "Please…not tonight…please…"

He sighed, slowly moving to lay next to me. "May I hold you?" He asked, running an icy finger up my arm. "Perhaps you will change your mind…"

"Please…let me go get my robe, it's freezing…"

"I will get it."

"No!" I said in too loud of a voice. "Please…"

"You don't feel well…" He ran his hand over my hair, "And I insist…"

As he left the room all I could think of was the vial of poison. Was it so much to ask God, to let me die in peace? I had stolen it from Erik's cupboard, hidden from me in his room. He used it in small doses with his morphine. He shouldn't leave such things around when there are children in the house.

He returned shortly with my robe, and wine. He was trying very hard wasn't he? I decided the only way I was going to get that vial and end this miserable charade was to run to my room and lock the door. By the time he would of found the key I could drink the vial. Yes, yes!

I sat up slowly to don my robe, truly cold. He had already poured the wine and offered the glass to me. Gently I took it from him, careful not to let myself touch him.

He sat next to me with his glass. "A toast..to our marriage…" He smiled from behind the mask.

He rose the glass and I tilted mine to touch his. We both drank a little swallow. I always hated wine…it always tasted so strange. After one bitter sip of it I set it down on the night table. My hands shook, almost spilling it.

"My, my…you are quite nervous aren't you? No matter, Christine…the wine will relax you…drink some more…" He offered the glass to me again and I declined.

He put it to my lips and made me drink from it.

"Erik…I…I will be sick if I have anymore…" I stuttered, my voice now shaky. I wanted nothing else but to bolt from his cold bed and end myself. At least there would be no pain…and I would see papa again. I almost smiled at the thought, yet that angelic voice brought me out of my stupor, whispering into my ear. His fingertips caressed over my collarbone and I shivered, hearing him laugh.

"You startle so easily…" He soothed, edging me backward to lie down. I won't give myself to you…I kept thinking, echoing it in my mind. "Perhaps it will not be all bad, Christine…I am a man after all…I could please you, if you'd let me…"

I sat upright, quickly. Wrapping the robe around me I made way for my room.

I could hear him calling after me. I hurried inside my little apartment, locking the door with violently trembling hands. The poison. I went to my desk, nearly over throwing the drawer looking for the vial. Where was it? I knew I had left it there. Maybe I had hid it in my undergarments, knowing Erik would never meddle with that drawer. It wasn't there, either. I could hear the key unlocking the door, Erik's voice loud and angry.

God! Where was the damn vial! I began to cry out in frustration. Fresh tears adorned my cheeks as they slid from my eyes. I didn't even hear Erik come inside, feeling him hold me by the waist trying to pry me from my desk. I screamed and kicked as he picked me up and threw me down on my mattress.

"Looking for this?" He said calmly, holding the vial up from his pocket. "You must know that an addict such as I keeps close watch of his inventory…" I tried to hit him, maybe in an attempt to free the vial from his hands so I could scramble to get it. He only caught my arm fiercely, his grip becoming stronger as he held me there, my tears and sobs nearly choking me.

Holding both of my wrists above my head with one of his hands, the other caressing down from my hair over my cheek, he snapped.

"Am I really so terrible that you would choose death?"

I stayed silent, closing my eyes so that remaining tears would fall. "Answer me!" He yelled, startling me so much that my eyes snapped open.

"Death I could grant you Christine…" He finally said, his grip loosening on me. His fingers went to the ties of his mask, discarding it onto the floor. I looked up in horror at that face…he looked as if he had already been dead a long time. "Do you truly wish it? Do you truly wish to take your precious life? How are you so sure there is an afterlife? At least we know that this life is real…and we can make of it what we wish. You know I can give you everything…ugly and disfigured as I am…Oh, Christine…I wouldn't even touch you if that's what you command."

"Let me be free then…to marry whom I love!" I shouted at him, bravery striking me for the moment.

"But you are already bound to me, my dear…don't you remember? And you decided this fate for yourself. You could of easily picked death and killed us all. Perhaps even your Vicomte would have joined you in heaven as well…"

"I wish death now…for myself…" I said clearly, shaking again in the realization that I would die. Would it be painful? Or blissful…Would I immediately see my father? Or would my spirit belong to Erik as well? I was so young and naive. What if Erik was right?

"Do you really think I would kill you, Christine? I would never harm you, girl…I thought you knew me better than this." He touched my cheek and I flinched away, feeling him slide down the length of my arm quickly to fasten around my wrist. I struggled against him. He tugged on me hard, making me look up at him.

"You are mine…at least as long as I am living…now…lie down." He whispered in a hushed angry tone. I shook my head in protest but he simply took hold of my other arm and guided me to lie back on the bed, my bed…He lifted my legs up and placed me under the covers, slipping off my robe. The instant chill of the air about my shoulders and the coolness of the bed linens made me shake uncontrollably.

Tears started to well up in my eyes as I prepared for his hands on me. I closed my eyes, letting tears fall freely. He laid next to me, on top of the sheets, brushing those tears away. "Shhhh…" He soothed, as I began to silently convulse with sobs. "Calm yourself, my dear…I won't force anything of you…" He whispered to me, and I immediately breathed a sigh of relief. I let him smooth away residing tears, and brush my hair back. "Thank you…" I whispered in reply, closing my eyes in an exhausted breath.

"Sleep now…" He soothed, edging away from me with a sigh. I sniffed, turning on my side. By now I should have been dead, my body still and cold. My father was waiting for me. If only Erik wasn't so morbid himself. My body shook from trembling, and before I could close my eyes again in sleep I felt another blanket come upon me. I hated Erik…with all that I was. But…at times like this when I was alone and vulnerable, he could be kind. He could be loving.

Only hours before I was wishing for death and now all I wanted was the bliss of a dreamless sleep.

I awoke with a start, sitting up in the bed. The walls were black, save for the large glow from the fire. Erik was sitting at his desk writing and composing. He must have heard me wake for he turned and smiled. "Awake so soon?"

I laid back down, my eyes never leaving his. He rose from his chair and I stiffened, my fingers curling at the edge of the blanket, pulling it up slightly.

He sat close to me, waving his hand over my bruised forehead. I winced a little as he passed his fingertips over the tender flesh, and he shook his head.

"You foolish girl." He said, moving from the bed just as quickly as he had sat down. He returned from his desk a small vial of ointment and my heart leapt. Perhaps the vial of poison was in one of those drawers. He sat again, smoothing the foul smelling lotion on my head. He took such care, as if my very skin would shatter if he handled me any rougher. "Thank you…" I whispered, looking away from him as he got up to replace the vial.

"Please…don't thank me, Christine…I am only a caring husband…doting on his ill-fated wife." He said sarcastically, sitting back down to his desk, his back to me.

I felt weak, unable to remove myself from his bed. I laid there, warm and fairly content. Once in a while I heard Erik hum a measure of his music, thinking to myself of how beautiful his voice actually was. That is what drawn me to him…his voice. He had fallen in love with me first with just hearing my voice and not seeing my face, and I the same for him. Yet when I found my angelic love to be of flesh and blood…the love had been crushed.

I had closed my eyes not even realizing it at he sang, not realizing that his voice was closer. Not until I felt his fingertips brush my cheek did my eyes snap open.

"I long to hear your voice intertwined with mine once again, Christine…" He whispered, removing his touch.

"I don't think I can…not now…" I said truthful, my pretty little voice wavering. I swallowed back fear not looking at him.

"You will, Christine…soon…" He lifted my chin and I looked into his piercing golden eyes. His eyes frightened me and a chill ran down my spine. He left my side slowly, as if he was in pain. I watched as he removed his jacket and shoes. He went to lift his shirt off and I turned away. The crackling of the room's fire the only sound in my ears. My eyes drifted back to him, seeing his pale skin only for a moment before he put a fresh night shirt on. He was muscular, strong. Much stronger than I ever thought. I swallowed again, my throat dry. He pulled back the covers for himself on the other side and I immediately turned from him. He never slept…why was he laying next to me?

"Goodnight, Christine…" He called to me with that beautiful voice. "Goodnight." I whispered back, snuggling into the pillow.

I laid there, stiff as the dead, beside him. After what seemed like hours I heard his slow breathing, knowing he was finally asleep. I was still cautious about my movements, knowing he must be a light sleeper and would catch me quickly if I got up from the bed. All hope of ending my life was shattered. Unless….the lake. The idea came to me and it made me so happy I almost came out of my dark depression. I slid from the black bed with ease, proud of myself I didn't cause him to stir. I didn't don my robe…only in my chemise I creaked open the front door to our sham of a home and stepped on the cold earth beyond the threshold.

I shivered almost immediately from the cold damp air. The black water called to me and I gladly welcomed it, stepping into it, my feet screaming with pain at how cold it really was. I bit my lip, edging myself forward and before I knew it I was up to my neck in the ebony water. I didn't look behind me, not wanting his home to be my last sight. I closed my eyes and let my heart pound as I submerged myself under the water, walking deeper until I could no longer reach the bottom. I lingered there, my lungs grasping for release. I heard a sound, but ignored it, prepared to take my first breath….to let the water consume me. I am coming father…

Suddenly I felt a grip at my waist and I was being pulled upwards towards the surface. Was it an angel sent to lift my soul to heaven?

Before I could open my eyes I felt incredibly warm, feeling a weight on top of me of wool. Was this heaven?

"Papa…" I whispered, trying to open my eyes. I felt a warm hand at my cold cheek. It had to be my father…Erik's hands were always like ice.

"Christine…Christine, open your eyes…" I heard the familiar tone of an angel's voice…my dark angel.

I forced my eyes open, my breathing erratic as I saw Erik hovering over me, his surprisingly warm fingertips at the flesh of my cheek.

"Good girl…" He whispered, "Come, now…look at me…"

"Am I... dead?" I said, still in disbelief that my heart still was beating.

"You would be, had I not of pulled you from that wretched water."

"Why didn't you let me die?" I said, panic-stricken. Oh, Papa…I had come so close to you!

"You know I couldn't do that, Christine…Oh, my darling child…why do you wish death so?"

"Everything I love is dead. I want to die with it!" I cried out.

"Shhhh…" He brought the wool up to my chin.

"Wait…I…My clothes…they are dry!"

"Yes, I took the liberty of removing the wet ones…I chose your warmest nightdress…"

"You…undressed me?" I said wide-eyed.

"Trust me, child…I was a gentleman."

"I don't believe you…Oh god…"

"You must…and what does it matter? I am your husband. If I hadn't of changed them you would've…"

I began to cry. I was sure he had seen me…all of me. I felt used, suddenly dirty.

"Leave me alone! I hate you!" I screamed at him, trying to throw the blankets off. The weight couldn't have been great, but I could not lift it. I was weak. Was I so weak from my attempt to kill myself, or had he drugged me?

"Please, calm yourself child. If I have to sacrifice never hearing you sing for me again…I will find you well. I know that you hate me…and I will accept that…but I will take care of you. You are in my world down here so many levels below ground. You are my responsibility."

"I can take care of myself…" I whispered heated, tears spilling from my eyes.

"Yes…you've proven that…" He said sarcastically, reaching for a tea cup. "Here…drink…it's still hot."

I hesitated, looking at him and wiping my eyes. He put the cup to my lips and I sipped the delicious fluid. I felt a small bit better in my weakened state.

"There is no sense in your turmoil, Christine. You are my wife…for only a short while…you must know I myself am ill. Only be my companion, take my company and sleep beside me at night and I will die a happy man."

"Why should I care of your happiness? You dare not care about mine!"

"It is true, Christine that I am a selfish man when it comes to you. But…besides our little mishap with the Vicomte…I have granted you every wish…given you everything that you've ever wanted. Don't I deserve some happiness? I have been denied acceptance and any sort of love…I don't need your pity…just…tolerance."

I sniffed, unable to meet his gaze. "If…when you…die…how am I to go above?" I asked, unsure of his reaction.

"You will let me tend to that. But trust that it will be done."

A strange weight lifted off of my heart. Raoul would wait for me, wouldn't he? I had to believe it…if not for my sanity, for a hope to be released. It would make it more tolerable. Erik wouldn't touch me if I requested it of him…in fact…I had control now. More than he knew.

I nodded in acceptance, no longer wanting death but to live out my sentence in this hell waiting for the day I was to be freed. He offered me the tea again and I took it from him, slowly sipping the liquid. He sat with me at the edge of my bed, once in a while fetching something I needed or to retrieve a book to read to me. I knew he was happier, and perhaps so was I…in the realization I wouldn't be here forever.

As I sipped some soup he had prepared me later on I felt him sit back down by my side. "Thank you…" I said awkwardly, "…I feel much better now…" I whispered. I felt better physically, as well as mentally. I now looked forward to life. Papa…be patient a little longer.

"Good. It means a great deal to me that you are well…" He said equally as awkward as I sipped again slowly.

"Please forgive me for lashing out earlier…I..I am so stupid…"

"Hush, Christine…you are very confused about what you want…not that I should blame you. I…just don't see why you would want to…end your precious life. You are so young…you won't be here in these cellars forever." He said a sadness in his voice.

My heart ached for him at that moment. He truly did love me…and he seemed to mourn when he would be alone once again as a corpse. Maybe I should make my time here bearable…for I would soon be free of him and this underground world.

I had no desire to continue eating, my heart was torn between this man and the world above. What kept me to him? He had taken everything away from me. I had wanted to die merely an hour before! He was a murderer, violent and unpredictable. I hated him. I hated what he had done to me….yet my heart pulled me towards him.


End file.
